What does the daughter of a narcissistic mother look like?
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou
Years ago, I followed a case of a very young woman who had tremendous and seemingly unfounded anger and pain in relation to her mother. Should the two be in a room together, the teenager would become intermittently volatile, withdrawn, hostile and tearful. Clinicians who worked on the case could not make sense of the behavior.
Individuals coming to therapy need to be both listened to, and heard. The language of emotions can, at times, speak more eloquently than words. As children, we are inarticulate and helpless. Because children put parents on a pedestal, shaming and gaslighting behaviors become internalized into self-loathing and low self-esteem. Often, our clients are not able to recall specific memories of interactions between themselves and their caregivers. They can offer us two things: 1) the way they felt growing up, about themselves, 2) the way they feel about themselves now, 3) the way they feel energetically around their early caregivers, 4) the way they are currently treated by their caregivers. These pieces of information culminate to help a clinician make sense of the early childhood experience of a client, and piece apart what feelings were the result of abusive or narcissistic parenting tactics, and which pieces are the result of their environment, biology, actions and interactions with peers and their world. This is nuanced work and takes time and attunement. The therapist, acting as an authentic and validating presence, can explore all of this in a safe and guided space.
Much of my practice with women has come to centralize around what I call the ‘mother wound.’ I have found several key tenets to be true: mothers give their daughters gifts, through their unmanaged personality and temperament characteristics. Women with critical mothers have a loud inner critic. Women with unapproving mothers have a fear of judgement. Women with passive aggressive mothers have a lack of confidence. Women with unavailable mothers have an inability to understand or express emotions. Women with codependent mothers have weak boundaries. Women with controlling mothers make rebellious choices. Women with pessimistic mothers’ self sabotage.
#PrescriptionForWellness. . . When mothers engage in their own healing, through self-attunement, insight and the ability to own and amend own behaviors, we engage in generational healing work, for our daughters and beyond. The greatest gift I can give my children today is the gift of my own personal reflection and commitment to psychological health and wellbeing.
“The master cannot take the student further than they have gone themselves.” Questions for Reflection. . . In what ways have you become intentional around your behavior for yourself and for your children? In what ways would you like to continue to be able to?
