To piggyback on a previous post about couples in communication, I must add a new post altogether. I see couples who enter into counseling with an immediate, and plaguing question. “Am I, or is my spouse a narcissist? And, if so, can this marriage or relationship be saved?”
First of all, I will often reassure clients that typically, narcissists will not present for therapy inquiring into whether they are on. Many individuals end up in therapy to deal with the narcissists in their lives, and very rarely does it go the other way around.
To begin, I will note that narcissism, or in clinical circles, Narcissistic personality disorder, is one of several types of personality disorders. A simple Google search will yield you this: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
Narcissism accounts for approximately 6% of the population, is more readily seen in males than females, and can only be diagnosed in adulthood. Symptoms must be present for at least one year. A person with narcissistic personality disorder will: exaggerate achievements and talents, need to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, preoccupy themselves with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, believe that they are special and unique, envy others or believe others are envious of them, behave arrogantly, possess a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others to achieve his or her own ends.
Of course, many individuals, if not all, possess some or more of these traits within their lifespan. Who has not felt envious of someone who has more? Who does not crave recognition upon a job well performed? Who does not dream of great success and what they would do with it? Especially in the era of social media, wherein it is socially acceptable to post pictures of your self (selfies!) or perhaps worse, your shelf (shelfies!), or your car or vacation on a regular basis, is it not easy to misunderstand the true nature of narcissism?
Yes, it is. Much like all the mental health conditions, these are traits, not diagnoses. We live in a competitive age, and people have been socialized to market their personal brand to a large audience for career, for potential matchmaking, dating and mating, and even for social position for their children. This behavior, though it is an often unfortunate relic of our time, is not categorizable as narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a signpost of the era of technology we currently occupy. We can recognize narcissistic traits in others, but we cannot diagnose a person (or ourselves) based on traits alone.
As a trained therapist, narcissism is clear to spot and quickly presents itself in the following very specific ways: invalidation of others, inability to accept the reality of others’ emotional landscape, refusal to recognize the perspective of others, lack of emotional attunement with loved ones, difficulty owning and admitting blame for wrongdoing, and inability to change direction when presented with helpful feedback based on emotional reactivity and high defenses (demonstrated by lashing back, blame, stonewalling, sulking, attacking, shaming and blaming.)
Many of my clients present to me initially because they suffered an upbringing with a narcissistic mother (read: The Drama of The Gifted Child, Alice Miller.) Many of those same (now, adult) children then suffer from marrying a narcissist. It is this, then, that brings them into healing.
If you suspect you live with a narcissist or were impacted by being raised by one, do seek help. Shame, self-blame and a host of depressive disorders can be alleviated by learning to detach with love, set boundaries, take your power back, and stop the generational cycle. We are rooting for you and hope you reach out for a consult.
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